Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Position of the Week: PLEASE YOUR GIRL!!

Oh, buddy, you're going to be afraid that you ever asked! A couple of weeks ago, we had an anonymous commenter ask about pleasing his girl. I thought we'd talk about that today. There's no magic answer to this question. And he's right. It's much harder to please a woman than it is a man. (TV remote, beer, and a little bootie - it's hard to get easier than that!) We're not wired the same way, that's for damn sure. We don't think with our clitorises (or is that clitori?). Did you know that a clitoris has more nerve endings than any other part of the body, with 8000?
I've never met a guy over the age of about 11 who hadn't had an orgasm. I've met plenty of unfortunate women, however, who still haven't figured it out for themselves. The poor things.

Communication with your girl is key, because we're all a bit different from one another, and, even inconsistent within ourselves, (big surprise there, eh?...just to make it more interesting for you, we switch it up). What floats our boat one night might just irritate us the next. So, knowing your girl and paying attention to her cues are important.
The whole process of orgasm can take awhile, for many women. And sometimes just that fact alone ruins it for us because we get worried about taking so long and that just makes it take even longer. We need to know that you know that it might take awhile and that you're okay with this. That'll help us relax big time.

Sometimes, our apparent inability to relax or even permit cunnilingus (teeheehee) to happen has more to do with ourselves than with you. If we don't feel clean and fresh, we're not likely to be comfortable with you down there. So, cleaning ourselves up is an important first step.
(and you should participate in this too - that includes your fingers and fingernails. and any major stubble on your chin. THAT hurts!)

Unlike men, this orgasm thing for us isn't so much a physical act (although that part is necessary too). It is way more "mental" for us and the need to have our mind play a part in the event is crucial.

Start out with a tease. Make out with her a bit, with confidence and in control. Lightly bite her bottom lip as you move away, refusing to give her more. Move to her neck and down to her shoulders. Tease her as you go. Come back up for a quick, sexy kiss again - and then jump right back down to her breasts.....and so on. I don't need to write a play-by-play here, right? You KNOW what I'm talking about because you've all done it. (and, if you haven't, then you should probably just forget it anyway because you're obviously not cut out for this sex stuff.)

So, by the time you get 'down there', you should make sure that she's in a relaxed and comfortable position for what's coming next. If she's not, then work it into your teasing routine and get her comfortable.

Continue to leave her wanting. Even once you've made it there, come back up to her hips. Kiss and lightly bite at her hips. and then across her belly. and then back down again.

Okay, really. I can't emphasize playing this teasing game enough. It is what enables us to tap into the mind part of the sex act. Make her KNOW that she's going to just shudder when you actually hit the clitoris for the first time with your tongue. But don't do it. Not yet.

Make her squiggle and raise her hips to you. Finally, just do one little quick tongue dart. And make sure you find the right spot. Even if it means that you've involved your fingers in your game in order to slightly part the lips. Take a quick look with your eyes if you're not sure where you're going.

Because I gotta tell you. There's nothing more distracting and unsexy for us than you putting all of that effort into the 1/4 inch slightly left of the clitoris. or slightly right. or slightly up. or slightly down. I realize that could be a bit stressful and intimidating - knowing you have to get it right. But, seriously, don't do it unless you're going to get it right. Feel it with your tongue. Your tongue should not just be some flabby wet thing slapping away (although, at times, that'll do it for me) at a bunch of folds and a button. It should be a strong and soft and smart extension of YOU. You have nerve endings in your tongue. Use them. Finding the right spot isn't hard once you actually pay attention to what your tongue is feeling.

So, now that she's lying comfortably and totally wanting more, and now that you've found the spot that you're looking for, you're ready for the next step.
Change it up. None of the techniques that you've tried are probably bad ones or wrong ones. You may just have used them for too long or not long enough. That's the tricky part. We probably don't want a hard, tip-of-your-tongue flicker for more than 20 seconds. And 20 minutes of the dog lapping technique is 19 minutes too long. It is the combination of all of them that works; that ultimately brings us to the place we need to go.
Just before a woman is going to orgasm, she knows it. There's a short buildup to the orgasm of maybe 10-30 seconds or so. The difficult thing for you (as if all of this was easy) is that what happens in that 10-30 seconds can make it or break it. No pressure, eh?
(And, if you break it, it may take a while to get to that point again.)

So, once she enters the pre-orgasmic stage, you need to continue doing what you're doing for that moment. Her communication with you is key. Being able to tell you "yeah, that feels good." or "keep doing that." are easy and natural ways for her to tell you to stick with that for a minute. I think, similarly, then, there should be a way for her to tell you to "change it up" too, because she may require moving on to another technique, if the orgasm doesn't cum....(teeheehee)

And, the communication doesn't need to be words. Pay attention to her movements (or lack thereof). Maybe she can bring her own fingers down into the game to let you know that she wants you to try something else. That's pretty sexy, too. If she's having any trouble reaching orgasm, she should feel comfortable enough to help you, by showing you. That's even a fun way to end this one sometimes - letting her end it for you.
I asked the Chawgirls about their thoughts on "How to Please your Girl....":

KittyKat says: Sex is 90% mental and 10% physical for me. Don't piss me off in the evening and expect me to get busy after dark. Start setting the mood hours before you want to do the deed.
I don't think about sex. I'm thinking about work, kids, supper, baths, laundry, dishes, cleaning, lunches, bills...yadda, yadda, yadda. It's his job to put the thought of sex in my mind. Foreplay needs to start when he comes home. A long, slow kiss is a good place to begin. Take the kids off my hands while I take a bubble bath. Give me time to relax then I won't be completely and utterly exhausted when it's bedtime.
Once I'm in the mood pretty much anything can be a turn on. Massage, candles, toe sucking.
Turn not E.V.E.R. grab my ass or tweak a nipple while I am doing dishes or cooking at the stove. It's a damn good way to get a knife wound.

MamaBear says: It comes down to helping out without being asked. It's a huge turn on to know he's doing something because he knows it will help me out, and NOT because I asked him to.
Pleasing a woman is so much more than sex. Everything outside of the bedroom will carry into the bedroom. If I feel fulfilled mentally, then you will probably get fulfilled sexually.
Now, referring to sex only, keep in mind that the same tricks don't work every time. Variety is a good thing. Short and sweet. Long and loving. Wild and Crazy. It can all be satisfying. You just have to be able to read the mood. if I am in the mood for long and loving, and I get short and sweet with no foreplay, I am probably NOT going to be satisfied. Communication is key.

Lady&theTrampStamp says: Obviously every woman is going to be different, so any man is going to have to figure out what exactly turns his woman on. If she is willing, talk to her about it. Otherwise you can try different things and just pay close attention to her reactions, keeping note. I think the main key to pleasing a woman is to make sure she starts out relaxed. If she is tense about something it is going to be very very difficult for her to enjoy it. If she is a mom, just helping with chores and especially the kids can be a HUGE turn on. Offer to put the kids to bed for her while she takes a bath. Then give her a massage. One thing guys don't seem to get is that if you want your woman to enjoy sex you are going to have to do some work. It isnt as easy for us. Spoon in bed and rub her shoulders and neck. Gradually switch from less massage to more caressing. For many woman, their neck and ears are very sensual areas. Caress her neck and kiss her neck and ears gently. Whispering in her ears is also a great turn on. This is not a porno movie. If you want to have hot sex with a real woman talking to her like you are stars in a porn isnt going to cut it. Be loving and sensual. Tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. Tell her how much you love her and want her, etc....Trust me this is what turns on women and not things like "I want to fuck the shit out of you."

(Now this is just a general rule. You are going to want to keep things exciting and fresh and sometimes dirty "porno" sex is great. Knowing whether your woman is comfortable with this or not is crucial.)

Some women really enjoy nipple/breast play too. The key to this though is she must already be turned on and those nipples need to be nice and perky. Otherwise it is just annoying as hell. The neck kissing, whispering can really help with this. Pinching does not generally feel good guys. Like I said before it can be fun at times but for the most part gentle tongue action is great. Don't go grabbing her boob either. Don't do anything to her boobs that you wouldnt want done to your balls. Caress them, be sensual, focus on turning her on and you will reap great rewards. Touch her body. You don't have to focus on the "dirty" parts either. The hips are another sensual area. Many woman love to be held or touched on their hips. Put your hands on her hips and gently pull her to you.

As far as the deed itself, again, every woman is different and will enjoy different things. A female orgasm does not work the same as a male one. You need to build up to it. I personally like to start out in a missionary-style postion. It gets things going and nice and "awake." A lot of women enjoy being on top the best. In this position the guy needs to be flat but on a soft surface like a bed with no blankets or pillows underneath. Sometimes the floor can be fun change though. The guy is going to need to experiment with hip positions. Sometimes you may need to adjust your hips up, sideways, etc....Another way women are different is they climax multiple times before hitting the big one. There will be waves of enjoyment and then back down. Sometimes you may need to switch positions or resume makeout steps like kissing and caressing to get her going again. Every woman is different and sometimes it can be damn near impossible to just finish. Sometimes it happens right away. Experiment, have fun and don't give up!! Relaxation, communication and your desire for her to enjoy it are the most important things.
(whew. I think that Lady&theTrampStamp needs her own friggin' column. She's given some thought to this topic evidently....)
Well, if you've made it to the bottom of this and actually read everything, kudos to you. You are now very well-prepared to please your girl. Considering that 98% of you are women, interpret and use your new learned information as you desire.... ;o)
(or FORCE your guy to sit down at the computer and read this. Better yet, click on that little link below that lets you share this blog entry with someone by emailing it to them. )


Anonymous said...

Jesus -- good summary of our needs J.Rube. I just had an orgasm just reading it.
All husbands should read this.
I love the party;
Not to the right, not to the left, not to the top, not to the bottom...but right there!!
Ooops, had another one.

slacker mom said...

when did we become so lost in motherhood that a man doing the dishes or mopping the floor is a turn on?
I want to go back about fifteen years when just looking at someone or hanging out or dancing with them (at the Roxy, YIKES!) was a turn on... that amazing desire just from a look...
I absolutely HATE that I agree that doing chores is foreplay!

J.Rube said...

Listen.....finding B.Rube doing the dishes or mopping the floor wouldn't be a turn-on.

Anonymous said...

Amen sister (or I should say MamaJ or J.Rube).

Also, KittyKat, you rock, I am sooooo there with your on every word!

Yes, it sucks that helping out with chores is now considered foreplay - yes, those were the days, when a heated look across a crowded, smokey bar would do the job (or at least get it started).


Magnolia said...

This is one area I can't complain about. My guy does well ....when I let him. THAT is where the problem is....I'm so freaking tired most of the time...I just can't imagine giving one more minute to someone by the end of the day. (even if I will be the one to benefit from it)

But don't worry too much ladies...I have planned a romantic weekend jacuzzi next to the wood burning fire to the king size bed...and booked us each a one hour in-room massage....and the best part? NO KIDS!!! NO HOUSEWORK!!! (oh ya...and tons of red wine)

Anonymous said...

awww. MamaT you are too cool! Thank you.


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