I've been trying to put together my blog posts the night before, so I don't spend a ton of time on the computer during the day while I am with my glorious girls. But, I just couldn't think last night. It must have been the stars. (do you believe in that shit?) (it certainly wasn't the ciders!)
I couldn't be witty and long-winded. I couldn't be verbose and opinionated. I couldn't find the creative groove at all. I started about 5 different things and abandoned them.
This whole blog thing is going to pull me under, and I'm only 5 days into it. I obsess all day about what I'm going to write. I turn every little situation into a possible story, but then can't write about it when I sit down. I just blank out.
I think I have writer's block.
It is a curious thing to sit down to write. about anything in the world you want. with no apparent or definable audience. with an overzealous editor who is watching every move (that'd be B.Rube, who is a little worried and critical of the whole endeavour.)
It's a new thing, right? It takes a bit to get used to. I need to figure it all out. There'll be some growing pains. I go to other blogs and am awed and amazed at what they can write, how much they can write, how easily they can write. I have a friend ( who I DO consider my friend) who started a blog a year ago and who has definitely inspired me. I wonder if she went through a writer's block in the beginning? Or if she still has those days now. I wonder if she feels any daily pressure to not let people down? (I only have 35 regular daily readers so far! She is in the thousands, I think!! I can't imagine her pressure.) Does her mind constantly think of stories, every step of her day? How she manage that? or does she?
I could ask her these questions myself, if only we weren't fighting. We had a bit of a fight on Tuesday - not our first, but, I fear, our last. I hope not. Not because I like fighting with her, but because I want her in my life.
I guess what happens is that I start to think so deeply about the blog; I get waaaaay too conscious about the whole thing. I need to be able to lose mysef.
Just like music, isn't it? I struggle with that with music, too. The whole consciousness vs. losing yourself in it. I sure don't let go too easily. and am faaaaar too aware.
It's an ironic thing, then. Because there is definitely a big push on for consciousness right now; for being present and hyper aware, for seeing, hearing, feeling, EXPERIENCING your moments. And, yet, with creative endeavours, it is necessary to lose your consciousness; to find the place where things just naturally move, to where the words just freely flow.
And, it's not until we find that non-place that we are free.
With music, in some situations, it never comes. I'm getting more comfortable playing guitar and singing in front of people. But, that's a tough one. I can ROCK when I'm alone. But, put that guitar in my hands with friends present and I tremble. It is all about Letting Go. What a test for a control freak like me.
So, the blog will be a challenge of my mind and, deeper than that, will force my spirit into a place where creativity spins. Thanks for joining me on the journey. Bear with me through the bumps.