Friday, March 11, 2011

Riding the Porcelain Prince

I've been debating all week whether to share the details of my upcoming weekend and the procedure to follow on Monday.
It ain't pretty. But, then again, really, there's not much that I tell you about here that IS pretty.
And I DO talk about poop an awful lot. So, this is really no different.
But you gotta promise me that you won't be visualizing any of this. Because that's where it could get really ugly.
And I promise to keep my camera far away from anything to do with it.

You see, the Bum Doctor will be having his way with me on Monday.
I must admit that relief totally washed over me when I learned that I would be put completely under for this little act. I mean, I can only imagine the extreme degree of clenching that would occur otherwise.  I would guess that one's ability to relax during a procedure like this is seriously compromised, as the old guy probes away. (What kind of person becomes a Bum Doctor anyway?? As perplexing as the choice for Dentist. Having to deal with people's stinky mouths or stinky assholes... don't know which is worse.)
So, yeah, all things considering, I'm very glad that I'll just be asleep for the whole thing and not conscious of the extreme (consensual! what was I thinking??) violation that will be happening.

Unlike this gal, who is very much awake and apparently looking forward to the impending insertion. The nurse, too, is far too happy about what she's witnessing. (and may even be getting off on that iv pole she's holding in front of her!) And the doctor.... well, I'm not convinced that he's not going to stab her in the ass with that thing. Is that really the way that's he gonna hold the offending apparatus? And can we talk for a moment about the size of that beast?? It's about the size of the CENTURION (said in a loud deep Greek-accented voice) vibrator that I used to sell that would make the girls in the room giggle uncomfortably; that no women would ever buy, let alone stuff up their butts. aaagggghhhhh. I seriously didn't need to see this little cartoon with the ginormous probe.

And, from all accounts, the procedure itself isn't even the bad part. Rather, it is the preparation for Monday's event that is the hardest to endure. The part that I will be conscious of.

The cleansing of the bowels. The ultimate bowel evacuation.  niiiiiiice.

I suspect that I won't be wanting to go too far from home this weekend. For the next two days, I will be riding the porcelain prince. (not to be confused with driving it) (and it's really not nearly as sexy as it sounds, although I'm trying to glamourize it in order to hide my fears). The pills start today after dinner and continue through until Sunday, when the even stronger pills start and I have to starve myself for almost 2 days. Talk about an uncomfortable situation.

Exciting shit, eh?


YD said...

Trust me..... It's not so bad.... And I WAS AWAKE!!!!! Although, I would have preferred being under while a Dr (who resembled Dr Giggles) shoved a probe up my ass all the while a nurse stood behind me assuring me that it was almost over.

But you're right, the cleansing before IS the worst of it! But you are a strong person and you can do it!!! And u get a great nap too!!!!!



J.Rube said...

Sounds to me like YD liked it, wouldn't you say, folks?

YD said...

It was one of those "you'll look back in a few years and laugh" sort of things!! ;)

AppleTree 43 said...

Eek, you're gonna have a interesting weekend. Glad you're going for the test to find out what's up -- literally!!
Make sure to get some happy pills for the pain! :0)

Nan said...

Who is Appletree? There is no pain.
When you wake up you will wonder if they did anything. Who is going to drive you home after?

J.Rube said...

Appletree is Peg. The pain is this throbbing headache that I have right now. And the damn procedure isn't until 2 pm tomorrow, with no liquids even after 7 am.

Mayan_Love_Goddess said...

You know, for a sexually adventursome yummy mummy, I didn't think having something inserted in your butt would have you rattled.

I thought you'd be more like the cartoon. Bring it on doc! ;)

But seriously, good luck JRube!! xoxo

J.Rube said...

(ssshhhhh, my mom reads this. I had to pretend...)

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