The Slug Sisters

Whatcha find, T.Rube?

ughhhh.... slugs. I HATE SLUGS. And both of the little rubes love them. They think they're cute. (CUTE??!!!!) They love their squishiness and their softness. They even love their slimy'ness.

You've heard of The Mole Sisters? Well, I have The Slug Sisters.

They carry slugs around constantly; sometimes I'll find 3 or 4 in T.Rube's clutches. It was S.Rube who started it; who turned her sister on to slugs. They're both equally disgusting slimy little girls. Both guilty of slug-loving.

Any gardener would cringe at the thought of loving a slug. They are the worst culprits in the garden. No amount of geese could rid us of the slugs here. Some of you - MOST of you - won't be familiar with the infamous Pacific Northwest Slug. There are actually many many varieties of slugs; all of them loving the wet rainforest climate of our region. I noticed my first 2008 slug about two months ago, and, admittedly, it was pretty cute. Pretty SMALL and pretty cute. Kinda like how all puppies are cute or all kittens are cute (but then they grow up.)

I didn't want S.Rube to be afraid of them. (that would be worse than her loving them.) So, when I saw a slug, I would remark on it; how cute and small it was; how soft and squishy it must feel. I guess it's no wonder that both girls have developed a bit of a crush. I clearly encouraged them.

The problem with the cute little slug is that it grows up, too. And they become RIDICULOUSLY large and more fucking DISGUSTING than just about anything you'll ever see. ( I mean, these slugs compete with the raccoons at night to eat the leftover dogfood from the dishes left on the deck - and win!)

God forbid you ever step on a banana slug with your bare foot (like I did last September).

I died.

Seriously.

My heart stopped.

It is worse, by far, than stepping barefoot into a pile of shit. I know, cuz I took a poll on facebook at the time, and the overwhelming majority of people would choose to step barefoot into a pile of shit, before stepping barefoot onto a slug. For, although the slug doesn't smell as bad as the shit, you are able to hose the shit off very easily. The slug... that's another story.

Which brings me back to my issue of the girls carrying the slugs around. I wouldn't even mind it, if it weren't for the mucous. ugh. the mucous. The mucous doesn't come off. Only time wears away the mucous. No amount of water, soap, or scrubbing will remove the mucous. In fact, this is primarily the reason why S.Rube is currently avoiding the slugs. I scrubbed the skin right off her hands the other day and I guess it wasn't a very enjoyable experience for her. (hmmm...so sorry about that, S.Rube). She's currently a bit wary of the slug mucous that requires scrubbing.

You know, the mucous is used in their mating ritual. They slime all over each other. And, in case you wanted to know more disgusting information about these mollusks, I have a couple of doozies for you:

1. Slugs are hermaphrodites (that means they contain both female and male parts, for you illiterates). And, when they mate, they each insert their penises into one another at the same time and each deposits its sperm into the other. No bloody wonder there are so many of them!!! They are all simultaneously able to reproduce. (An average garden will have over 16000 slugs in one season. And, even if you remove them all, there will be just as many the following year. )

(Here's the penis of a slug. Man, that thing is big enough to violate my daughters. Yet another reason to keep them away from the slugs!)

2. And, after making the sperm deposit, one slug will often eat the penis of the other one, thereby preventing them from having sex again. ( and your men thought the vasectomy was a barbaric option!)

In fact, many times, they will both eat the penis of the other and both leave the sexual interaction penis-less. ( I hope it was worth it for you.... )

Now, there's the ticket right there!

Scientists just need to figure out how to make all of the slugs eat all of their penises all at the same time. Done.