Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Ugly Beach

What is it about the local man-made watering pit and a hot and sunny Canada Day that bring out the riff-raff? yikes.

There were some doozies at 'the lake' today. In fact, it was downright ugly. Ugly Beach. That's what we should call it.

First there was Grandma shrieking, "Stacey! STACEY! STACEY" all afternoon long. I think she'd been away from "the drink" for too long, if you know what I mean. She needed help. And her nose needed even more help. It was worse than W.C. Fields' nose. She really loves her libations apparently. Maybe she would have shut up today if she had a glass in her hand.

Then there was the dad with the oozing red bumps all over his back. (Think Woogie from Something about Mary). When the sun hit his back in a certain way, each bump was magnified to the size of a mountain. I was certainly hesitant about my daughters sharing the same planet with him, let alone the tiny little man-made lake, where bacteria happily thrives. Woogie had two fun games that he was enjoying with his kids. One was splashing them repeatedly and crazily directly in the face and shouting, "You think you can splash ME, eh? You think you can splash ME?" The other was catching them off guard, picking them up and throwing them in the air as high and hard as he could. They would land at least 10 feet from him, and scramble to the top of the water sputtering, choking and shocked, while he laughed maniacally. They were only about 3 and 5. Needless to say, the games ended quickly and in tears. I heard him defending his approach later by explaining that he had been taught to swim by his dad who threw him off the end of the dock. (Let's save this approach for cooling off the dog on a hot day, okay?)

Then there was the 4-year-old boy who spent the entire day butt naked. For some white trash reason or another, his family felt it acceptable for him to swim, play on the beach, interact with other children and eat his lunch completely naked. All day. ( It was suggested to me by a friend that perhaps the family was European and held different values regarding nudity. I can assure you that there was no degree of culture whatsoever in these people, and that the only bit of anything remotely European that they had in them was the "parc de traileur". I agree, however, that they held different values about nudity. very different. )
He certainly wasn't a baby. He wasn't even a "little" boy. He was a spirited and disobedient big kid. He continuously sat his naked ass on others' rafts, tubes, boats, and floaties. He continuously waggled his little weenie in front of everyone he came near. And tried to build sandcastles and play ball with my girls all day. When he approached me and my towel, with his groin at the same level as my face, I'd had enough.

I raised the white surrender flag and headed back to the farm.

(p.s. And I spared you the details of the woman with no neck who had the daughter with the deformed foot. You're welcome.)

1 comment:

Magnolia said...

Ya- you can always count on time spent at the local watering hole to provide not so terrific entertainment.
We go to "Professor's Lake" occasionally...and it can be quite an interesting event on any given day.
I stick to my "mall servey lady rule". DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!!!!

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